As I sit here thinking about who I let light my fire (read Part 1 here) I realized I wasn't always so firm in my beliefs that it should always be ones spouse. There was a time when I let flesh rule and it was easy, sorta. See for years I struggled to get my husband to pay attention to me. To feed my love language, to see me, and to love me. When he didn't I would just hurt and shut down, in other words I forsook him. When I say years, I'm talking YEARS people. We've been married 13 and in the last year are we finally starting understand what it really means to love one another and we are still learning.
I didn't start off letting other men light my fire until I officially hardened my heart. All the times before I would shut down and try again. However, after 10 years of hurting I had had enough and just completely let go. It was that easy. I just stopped. I stopped caring, loving, and trying. For two years I lived with a hard heart and looking back I can see how blank and colorless I was. I accepted the fact that my husband didn't care or love me so I found other ways to feel connected. I had an emotional affair but I didn't call it that, It was just being playful. A dirty joke here and there to quicken their heart rate what's the big deal? Of course the fella would say we didn’t do such a thing we were just having fun, but in reality it was not the case.
It sounds horrible when you say it and you may think less of me but we all do it. The way you smile coyly at the man who isn't your husband. The soft touch on the arm of the fella you aren't married to. The come hither stare you give the mailman or cute neighbor. It's all wrong. those things should be reserved for our mates. We all have shut down at least once.
I know what I did was wrong and after God softened my heart he showed me how to fix what I caused. He also showed me how to love my man even when he isn’t so lovable. I took back what I broke and I fought against the enemy to save my marriage. God taught me a lesson for disobeying him and it is a lesson I am will not soon forget! How do I know this was a lesson from God and not the enemy? Because I knew, just like you know it is wrong to steal or run a red light. I had this back of my mind thought that if I didn't stop what I was doing the same thing would happen to me. Now I don't know about you but I'm sure the Devil isn't inclined to give out warnings, God however is. He warned me and against my better judgement I ignored him so he set her loose on him. My husband fell into the clutches of another. She was doing what I had just stopped doing. Because I had turned away he found another cheerleader. Another who would whisper sweet nothings in his ear. Another soft warm place to fall since his current one had gotten cold and hard.
When I found out they were texting I was devastated! My heart broke in a million pieces. I fell on my face and I begged for forgiveness for my misdeeds and then I prayed for the tools to get through this trial. I thanked God for teaching me this lesson and I praised him even though this killed me. I remember crying out that even though this hurt it was merely a flesh wound and a moment to grow in faith. I remembered that when one is hurt they should pray through the pain and hurt (Psalm 107:28-31). So as I broke, I prayed. By the time I discovered their betrayal it had been over for a month. He told me once it started getting racy he knew it was wrong and they agreed to stop. See he is so much better at being obedient then I am.
I knew I had to stop this from developing any further. I also learned this person was involved in a physical affair that developed shortly after an emotional affair and I went right into survival mode! I did everything in my power to stop this person from devastating my marriage also. Even though husband said they both agreed to only be friendly and there was no flirting and only texting I knew I couldn't just let this go. I mean it already went from friendly to racy once what's to stop it from happening again, right?
After countless articles of what emotional affairs look like, my husband sort of understood where I was coming from. After confessing my behavior from the past I was the example of what NOT to do. I was hopeful he would see how much pain this was causing and I wanted him to learn from my mistake. I also knew that I had to take a stand against this enemy because she and I were alike in trying to fill a void our husbands were not filling. So I knew she would revert back to her old ways, I know this because I too went from flirty to friendly over the course of my emotional affair. We both knew it was wrong, but we kept coming back together.
The void
I didn’t know what I was missing and I was putting so much pressure on my husband not making me happy or keeping me that way that I kept falling into this void. I also knew the flesh was weak and it is hard to break off something it enjoys so much. I enjoyed feeling desired, wanted, longed for. I enjoyed the attention and being sneaky. It made it fun, but I was still empty what moments we had were fleeting and never fulfilling.
The confrontation
After much prayer and thought I confronted them both and asked that they stop speaking to one another for a time until he and I fixed us and she confronted the reason why she kept trying to fill the void with men. I suggested fasting and prayer to help her see the error of her ways.
Confronting someone who is deep in the dark of sin will not go over well. The dark HATES the light and you may not like what happens. In this case I was called every name in the book and screamed at by this person. She texted him after hanging up on me twisting me into a overbearing wife who would never understand him. Told him I was hateful and that she would always be there for him when I wouldn't. That I would never understand him the way she did and that I never would. I was difficult to live with and if he needed to talk she was there for him.
My husband? He tried to understand where I was coming from and did the best he could to try and remedy the situation. He wanted to make me happy. Sadly the Devil had other plans.
The thing about Satan is he isn't some ugly horned demon. He hides as beauty and light. He has a silver tough and his words drip with honey, but in the end they lead to death. She texted him two days after being confronted and convinced him I was crazy and was making a big deal out of nothing (Proverbs 5:2-4). See, I let the Devil in my marriage and he wasn’t about to just turn and walk away!
Remember when I said the flesh was weak? They continued to speak and not tell me for several months. I think this hurt more than the actual behavior to be perfectly honest. After I learned of this we sought outside help from our pastor and we are growing from the pain, distrust, and dishonesty. We are learning how to love one another God's way. Instead of it being my idea to break off contact it was his and he deleted her from his social media accounts. Where I broke off all contact with my temptation he followed suit and broke off all contact.
What I’ve learned
Emotional affairs are hard to understand since we are brought up in this world where affairs just happen in the physical plain. There was no skin to skin contact so what’s the big deal? Since when is texting another person wrong? But it can be, once you start hiding those texts it becomes wrong. Every time you go to someone other then your mate to rant or connect with you are chipping away at that spouse. You are slowly chipping away at your very own marriage. If you have a problem with your spouse go to God first and wait for him to show you how you should proceed. You can't make someone make the right choice. The only power we actually have is NONE! We have no power and that sucks. All we can do is present our case before God and let him deal with it.
Did and do I hate him? No. I understand why he did what he did. It was my fault. My hard heart and forsaking of him caused him to find someone who was happy and kind. I had gotten cold and mean. Does he understand why I was hurt by the behavior? I am not sure. I know he will get there one day. The closer he gets to God the more he will understand it.
Does he have any blame in this? Yes, probably. But what point do I make by listing his faults? I could go into all the things he did wrong but I would never grow. This isn’t about what he did wrong. This is about what I learned. I learned that no matter how my husband treats me I can never be happy. It is not his job to make me happy. The only person who can truly fulfill me is The Lord my God, my savior, my redeemer.
Now, do I hate HER!? I did but I don't now. I gave her a chance for me to forgive her. I asked for space for me to process what was and what was going to be. I could have forgiven her and possibly even befriended her, but she ruined any chance of that by going behind my back and asking him to hide their conversations. Have I forgiven her? Yes, do I trust her? No.
Do I hate her today for lying, sneaking, and conniving? No. Shocking right! It took a long time to not hate her and a lot of prayer. As a matter of fact, praying for her the way I want her to pray for me helps me not to hate her.
Do I fear her? Yes I do. I still have fear of her return because we all know mankind is weak if they are not IN Christ. So I pray daily for my husband to find HIM so he has the tools, strength, and endurance to fight off any temptation that may present itself. I trust that God will take care of him the way he takes care of me.
Why DON'T I hate her?
I was her. I know what it is like to feel alone and empty despite having a husband and children. I know what it is like to have this void that you want to fill. I know what it is like to enjoy the thrill and excitement of having someone pursue you. I know what it is like to feel a rush when you know someone wants you and is happy to hear from you. Mostly I know how difficult it was to break away from the temptation. I know first hand how weak the flesh can be. Since I was her I knew her tricks and plans. I knew her tactics and hidden thoughts. I knew the texts from her weren't just playful they were a way to feed the void in her own life.
Now back to the title. Do I let others light my fire? ABSOLUTELY NOT. I learned my lesson the hard way.
