That's Donna and her response to being told She is treating new Doug like old Doug (I'll explain in just a bit). Who is Donna you ask? She is a bad ass cop from a show I watch. I love Donna. Why? Well she and I have a lot in common. We are both smart and funny and when we love, we love hard. However, when we hurt we tend to hold on to that hurt and carry it with us into any and all relationships we enter.
See Donna there was married to a man who didn't appreciate her, and he was always putting her down. Even after they were divorced! What a jerk right? Anyway, Donna later in life met someone who had the potential and desire to love her but because she had been hurt she was quite nasty to Doug. He had the same name as her ex, yeesh!
Now, I don't know about you but this spoke to me. Here is this little show and this one character showed me something I’ve done, and I have seen it on others. What's that? That would be
RELATIONSHIP INSECURITY
It started when the pastor said to me in a meeting, “you are insecure.” I was so flabbergasted and mad I almost shut down and stopped listening. Insecure. Insecure! What?! How dare he. He doesn't know me. He is going to take my husband's side. Why did I even make this appointment I've already been pegged and nothing I say will matter now. *humph* However, I didn't shut down. I simply reminded myself that I had been working on myself esteem, and I was one sexy lady. I AM desirable, fun, sweet and saucy. So there! Take that. Insecure. Pfft.
For the curious folk our conversation got better. It turns out some details had been misunderstood, and we walked away with a better understanding of the issue.
Back to lovely Donna. Weeks went by, maybe months and his words rang in my ear. Insecure. Anxiety came and went. Insecure. Then this episode popped up next on Netflix. And it hit me. I AM insecure. Not in regard to my looks, cause let's face it I'm hot, but when it comes to RELATIONSHIPS.
Relationship insecurity is defined by lifeadvancer.com as fear. It is to worry about jeopardizing or compromising the status of a relationship. The anxiety is a result of a person’s environment and the people with whom he or she interacts. Relationship insecurity can come from three things:
1. Negative Relationship History
2. Faulty Thinking
3. Unaddressed Relationship Issues
Boy is that spot on.
Though this is where Donna and I differ we both suffer from these three broken thought patterns. Mine was a broken abusive home, hers was an abusive husband. She never thought she was good enough for her ex-husband and I grew up thinking love never lasted past 10 years. Avoidance of confrontation is sign of insecurity and let me tell you, it took a LONG time for me to face my fear and tell my man what and how I was feeling. I grew up with no communication skills. Every conversation either ended with someone or both parties screaming or one or both parties leaving. I knew I didn’t want that! So I avoided. As for Donna she didn’t ever tell her man off until she got the help from a friend.
If you aren’t sure if you suffer from relationship insecurity click here to get an idea of what it looks like.
I never wanted to look at myself this way. I don’t think anyone does, but when I did I realized that in those few moments my pastor pegged me. He saw right through me. Despite there being a communication failure, he saw it. The second best thing I ever did was deal with this issue (read about the first here.)
It took so much pressure off my husband when I took my baggage back and when I fixed my issues. I could see all the damage I had done and it wasn’t pretty. I’ve learned a lot about who I was and why did what I did. I became determined to fix me. Because I can’t fix him no matter how hard I try, I can only fix me.
All is not lost, once you realize that you are insecure there are things you can do to help overcome it.
1) Remember your value and all that you bring to the relationship.
Even if the other person in the relationship doesn’t offer these things. This is about what YOU bring to the table not what they are failing to do.
2) Build up your self-esteem.
This list should be anything that you find positive about yourself. It may be slow going at first, but it will get better. (eg: great cook; can make a dish out of few ingredients, great math skills, love fiercely, survivor, great mom/husband/daughter.)
3) Learn to be independent.
The best way to learn to love yourself is to be alone. When you are alone you learn who you are and what you love.
By being independent you aren’t relying on your relationship to fill all of your needs.
4) Last but definitely not least. Trust God.
Trust that no matter what the other person in the relationship is doing or not doing, God will take care of you.
Remember no matter what the other person in the relationship is doing or not doing God loves you more then anyone EVER will.
By trusting you God you can love the other person more then you ever thought possible.
When you are no longer worried whether the love you back, if you are good enough, pretty enough a weight is lifted.
Focusing on God and how much he cares for you and having him show you how to love will bring a shining to your spirit like no other.
There is a peace that comes from these steps that I can’t begin to explain. When I started letting go of my baggage and my insecurities I began to become more attractive and learned to love more deeply.
*Photos are from the series Supernatural
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