We talked about forgiving but that topic was based on me not forgiving others. It occurs to me that I needed to go over those times when you are the one who is never forgiven.
To be unforgiven is as if your sins are piling up on the this scale. Never dwindling. You seek forgiveness only to be met with resistance or maybe even met with a sense of false acceptance. Forever condemned by this person. So what, who cares, who needs ‘em? Right. Maybe if these were old friends, nasty coworkers, a boss it wouldn't matter. We can live without these people in our lives. Cut them off, Yeah! We shout! Now let's flip the table, what if this person was someone you love. You ask yourself why they keep punishing you. Why they won't free you from their punishment.
It hurts. We don't understand what we've done because we apologized and maybe even changed, yet they still hold onto it. We don't understand how they can do this to us; when they hurt us and seek our forgiveness we grant it, yet, they refuse to extend the same courtesy. Forever punished. Forever condemned. We can never say I'm sorry enough. We can never change enough or do the right thing for the right amount of time.
“Your past mistakes are in your memory to remind you to avoid repeating past sins. They are not in your memory to be whips for which to beat yourself or others.” Rocky Good
The scale we weight them on is not the same as the one they use. It never tips in our favor or levels out. I never thought the term - walking on eggshells- could be used in these types of situations but it can. Those who go unforgiven by those they love live in constant fear. Will this be the moment I mess up? Will this be it, the end? Will this be held against me too? The reason we always fail and are always guilty in their eyes is they are holding us to the human standard. Since sin has corrupted the design we are always going to fail; are are guaranteed failure.
Going unforgiven can feel like such a heavy burden to carry. There is an immense sense of guilt. A longing to make things right. To fix the wrong. When we Christians are confronted with someone who can't forgive us we are told to love how God loves, extend grace the way the Father does. But what does that even mean?
grace is “unmerited favor” or “unconditional love.” To merit something means to earn it or deserve it. “unmerited” then means to receive something that you did not earn or something that you do not deserve.
“unconditional” means that something is not limited by conditions, such as our good behavior.
Grace then is getting something nice that you have not earned or deserve. When you receive grace you are given something better than what you deserve. In his book, One-Way Love: Inexhaustible Grace for an Exhausted World, Tullian Tchividjian borrows a helpful definition from Paul Zahl:
Grace is love that seeks you out when you have nothing to give in return. Grace is love coming at you that has nothing to do with you. Grace is being loved when you are unlovable
Grace is love coming at you that has nothing to do with you. It has everything to do with the other person. So when we extend Grace to others that seem…. Ummm…. Less than deserving it is love coming from you that has nothing to do with you, it is expectation free. Which means you:
Love with an open mind and take it as it comes or enjoy without to much thought.
Appreciate them for who they are rather then for how well they fit pre-existing fantasies of how things should be.
Non-Possessive
Let them be completely who they are. Don’t try to control or change them.
View them through a lens of compassion and acceptance.
Grace is active, kind, other centered, and designed to bring a person from a negative circumstance to a positive circumstance. Grace changes lives (Ephesians 2:1-8).
Related reading
