*Sarcastic snarky tone.*”Get your husband to open up to you in these 80 questions.” “ 75 questions to initiate intimacy.” *insert eye roll*
I hate these things. Do you know why I hate these things? Unlike these women's husbands who so happily sit and open up and have deep intimate thoughtful conversations. My man ain't one of them.
As much as I love my husband he grew up in a house where it was quiet and silent and there was no communication or intimate sharing of thoughts or physical affection. So getting this man to open up is like trying to pull teeth!
I've tried he denied and rejected and I hurt. I tried he denied he rejected and I hurt. It's a vicious cycle and then you get on TV these women and their men sharing their feelings, and being all open with the romance and I love you's. *Come on!*
This caused me a lot of heartache and I ended up forsaking my man. See, I suffered from Disney syndrome and Hollywood syndrome.
Disney syndrome- the development of a flawed out look on life. Little girls think there's true love and a "happily ever after" for all of them. That and their outlook on love is molded into an idea that love is romance and a hot, strong guy that will sweep them off their feet is what romance is (and thus what love is). While in fact none of these things are true.
“Hollywood syndrome” – where we set unrealistic expectations based on fairy tale type of relationships only seen in movies.
Now my guy is not some strong prince who sweeps me off my feet, or wasn't at first I'll get here in a moment. Embarrassingly it has taken me a long time to figure this out. A seriously LONG time and the poor guy suffered for it. I have had to reprogram myself so to speak. I sat down and tried to learn everything there was about communication and how to get your partner to open up and do you know what I found? Jack that's what. Since he doesn't fall into the open category everything I tried didn't work. After some hard times and lot and LOTS of tears I found out somethings.
For starters my reactions need work, I suck. When he would tell me things that are shocking or surprising I gasped or I say “oh my gosh are you serious!” which then caused him to retract back into himself and to think, “I can't tell her things.”(Just a note I know he thought those things because he told me).
I learned that despite the popular suggestion of "approach them in the car or while laying down during bedtime" My guy actually told me that this made him uncomfortable. In case you don't know what I mean This is so they are supposedly not feeling confronted and it is more relaxed, they wont feel put on the spot. I was turning what was supposed to be a relaxed atmosphere into a stressful one. He said he felt cornered and didn't like it one bit.
Why couldn't I just talk to him face to face.
After he told these things I started to really look at HOW I was talking to him and I was a little ashamed at what I saw. See I had a messed up idea of what communication was supposed to look like. In my family there was a lot of screaming, yelling, and manipulating to get what the other person wanted. There was storming out and shutting down. High expectations and anger when those weren't met. I realized that I was doing these things. I wanted what the t.v. told me that I should have a man who states his feelings with openness and isn't afraid to cry or show his softer side. I thought the way to get it was to act the way my family did pout, cry, get angry at this false image of a man. This realization opened my eyes to how I was acting and I knew it was wrong so I prayed (see Zip it or click here.) God would help me shut my mouth and change my ways. (You can another prayer in the tool box as well)
if your husband is like my husband and he won't answer those stupid questions to open up it's okay. Some guys are just not built for that type of intimacy. He could be scared of you and how you will respond or what you will say. If you think this is the case I encourage you to pray. Perhaps he was just raised to not be open and that's okay. There are other ways to connect and through prayer and time he can open up. Show him you are a safe place for him to fall. Be honest with what you want and try not to raise your expectations to high. Take what he gives you and be grateful. Love your man the way God loves him and embrace him the way God embraces you.
What about you? Is your man just as difficult to pry answers from? Do you get a lot of I don't knows?
