Let’s talk about SEX!! Woohoo!
So I have been reading the book Surrendered Wife by Laura Doyle I learned something interesting. She listed 7 sexual myths.
“These are common misconceptions that some subscribe to that make you feel obligated to be sexual” Laura.
These are myths we tell ourselves when it comes to sex with our spouse. Each one of these is a lie in itself and each one is detrimental to you and your relationship.
So let us get started.
1.If I don't have sex with him he will look for it someplace else.
For as long as we have been married I have had this fear that if I ever turned my husband down for sex he would go elsewhere. Whether it be another female or porn, I have always been afraid to say no. This fear comes from years of having the women in my family always tell me to never be unavailable or I could face the dire consequences. Fear from magazines or television telling me how to act and behave. When in fact he is a good man and he has the will and capacity to be faithful to go without on occasion. By giving into this myth I am being disrespectful to my husband. I am telling him I do not trust him and that I think he has little to no self control.
2.If I don't have sex with him now, he won't approach me again.
“while it is true that repeated rejection can be discouraging. It's not likely to make [him] stop trying.”*
The key term here is repeated rejection. To think he had such a one sided opinion of me and my feelings. Do I really think that if I turn him away once in a while he would get so upset that he would kick me to the curb? How absurd.
3.If I don't have sex with him when he wants to, he won't love me.
I can say no and he won't look for other outlets. By giving in to fear and having sex I am saying I don't trust him and I have no self respect and I think he doesn't actually love me or respect me.
“By falling for this myth I'm discounting the unique qualities that made my husband fall in love with me in the first place. He loves me for lots of reasons and he did not just marry me for sex.”*
4.If I don't have sex with him he will get angry and I will feel guilty.
“ ..... Acknowledge that you have deprived him sexually, and tell him you're doing everything you can to get to the root of the problem and he'll so you'll be available for him. You can't afford to feel guilty or be harsh with yourself.”*
He loves me regardless of having sex or not. I can say no and he won't close me out. By ignoring my feelings out of fear I am disregarding them and in turn I am disrespecting myself.
5.If he doesn't want to have sex with me he doesn't love me.
I can say no I can turn him down it is okay, just it is okay for him to say no to me. if I pressure him, trick him or coerce him, or guilty him into sex I am saying I don't care about his feelings. I am saying I don't respect his choices and that his words mean nothing to me
6. If he doesn't want to have sex with me it because he isn't attracted to me any more.
Him saying no has nothing to do with me and saying no does not mean he thinks I am ugly or gross. Men withdrawal for many reasons. Either there are outside influences or he is withdrawing due to his feeling lack of respected in the relationship.
“ if your husband is not approaching you, and much more significant problem maybe he is feeling disrespected and/or controlled.”*
I want to add that stress, illness, and allergies are also going to put a halt on any intimacy.
7.If he doesn't want to have sex with me he it is because he is having an affair.
Just like we women don't want sex every minute of everyday men don't either. It is a myth that they want sex all the time. As mentioned before outside influences have a major pull on our men. WE have a major pull as well. If they are feeling controlled or disrespected they withdraw and shut down. If life outside is overwhelming they want to sit and relax and unwind. This myth is dangerous because it puts them in the defensive position and us in the offensive position. Men have every right to turn down sex just as much as we do and by belittling them for that choice we are showing them we think they are less then us.
Doyle goes on to state.
“If The sex has gone missing in you marriage, and it's your husband who seems disinterested, control and disrespect are the likely culprits.”
that gives us something to think on, right? I don't know about you but it gave me a sense of peace. Think about it, these myths are programmed in us throughout the years. They are nothing but fears and sex out if fear is not love.
Just because I don't want have sex, give into sex out of fear of him hating me or leaving me, is not right. Sex is meant to bring us together as one. it is a moment for us to be together in a divine way as God intended. having sex out of fear of repercussion is wrong and does not pleased the Lord.
* The Surrendered Wife by: Laura Doyle
