I hate trust, it sucks and I can't think of anything more anxiety inducing then rebuilding it. Learning how to re-trust someone who broke it is quite possibly the worst process ever. I wouldn't wish that in my worst enemy. Well…. Actually I might have.. Oops not a proud moment.
I have read my Bible countless times and I have said, many times, the verses over and over regarding trusting God. Don’t get me wrong I do trust the Lord. I trust him to take care of ME, to guide ME, to strengthen ME in every aspect of MY life. See the pattern yet?
There's no question in my mind that he would do that for me. However, it was recently brought to my attention that I do not trust HIM with regard to dealing with people in my life who hurt me.
Trust is tricky for someone like me. Someone who's trust has been crushed or devastated it is like the elusive unicorn. You hear stories about them and how fascinating and wonderful they are. How is It that such a thing so beautiful and wonderful could have actually existed. It's a myth or fairy tail. Trust is just as elusive and mythical.
A few months back the hubster and I hit a bit of a rough patch and my trust was broken. I scoured the internet on ANYTHING that could help me re-trust my husband but kept coming up empty. I knew there just had to be something out there. Then I found a blog hidden in the depths of Pintrest, When you struggle to trust your trustworthy husband By, Darby Dugger and something I read hit me like a truck.
After reading this I was faced with the same reality that Darby was faced with.
Taking this in was a major hit to my sub conscience. The fact that I didn't trust God was a major eye-opener. At first I fought it and I did not want to believe it. I tried to rationalize the fact that I did trust him, but this internal battle started and I had to face the facts, I didn't. I just didn't trust him with other people in my life. I asked myself how could I trust him to take care of me but not trust him to take care of everyone else? The answer was right in front of me. I want my fingers in the pie.
ALL THE PIE!!
When it came to my husband, my kids, my friends, and my family. I wanted to know what was happening, I wanted to control it, and most importantly I wanted to make sure God was doing it correctly. I realized this and it hurt and I was shocked and completely speechless.
Despite this truth hurting, it helped me open my eyes to what a major factor this was when it comes to my anxiety. My need to control and be involved in everything, no matter what it was, was causing me to have panic attacks. I was having an anxiety attack over not knowing what my husbands next move was. I had to know what he was doing or what he was thinking or who he was talking to. I didn't trust God to take care of it like I know I trust him to take care of me. I NEEDED to know XYZ was being taken care of correctly or that hubs was doing what he was supposed to be doing. The hard facts are, I do this with just about everyone only replace husband with friends, kids, and family.
Darby's post didn't just help me with my lack of trust in my husband but with my lack of trust in everyone else. See, I don't trust anyone at all! People are liars, tricksters, sneaky and only out for themselves. I'm only kidding, but I used to think this and it was wrong. I need to trust that God will deal with anyone and everyone I have trust issues with. He will guide them just like he guides me.
Do I still suffer from these untrustworthy thoughts and concerns? Oh heck yeah, but I feel like I have a footing in the right direction. I can recognize it as a distrust in the almighty. I know who to lean on and I know what I'm asking for. Instead of saying,"Help me with this anxiety attack." or "Help me get through it." I now have the tools I need to face my panic with regard to my distrust. With deep breath I take a walk in my prayer closet / hallway and I present my requests to the Lord ( Philippians 4:6-7).
Realizing I didn't trust God was the biggest step for me breaking free of my shackles with anxiety. What about you? Do you truly fully trust God or do you need to have your fingers in all the pies?
